129. How to Handle Toddler Tantrums Without Losing Your Cool w/Julanna Jones

Phylicia Pough: 00:00:00

Hey, friend.

Phylicia Pough: 00:00:00

You're listening to Harmonious Mompreneur, where faith, family and business come together. I'm your host, Phylicia Pough, a Christian wife, mom of two, and life and business system strategist for moms.

If you've ever felt like there just aren't enough hours in the day or find yourself craving more time for yourself but feel guilty about it, you're in the right place. While many strive for balance, I believe it's harmony, an integrated flow that works for you, that truly sustains.

Each week, I'll share insights from my personal journey and practical strategies to help you design systems that bring peace to your business and home life. So give your kids another snack, take a deep breath, and let's dive into today's episode where we'll start creating your harmonious mompreneur life.

Phylicia Pough: 00:00:48

Hey, friend. Welcome to another episode. Thank you so much for being here. I am excited, of course, once again, to have a guest here with us.

And today our guest is Jelaina Jones. She is a wife, a mom of two, and a certified parenting educator for toddler moms.

As the founder of Toddler Mom Collective, she helps moms break the cycle of reactive parenting and embrace discipline rooted in connection. She empowers moms to prioritize their well being, manage parenting triggers, and respond to their children with calm, clarity and grace.

Now, for you guys that are listening, this episode is just as much for me as it is for you guys. I've been looking forward to this con because I am a toddler mom. So Jalayna, how are you?

Julanna Jones: 00:01:34

I'm good, I'm good. I'm glad to be here. Thank you for having me.

Phylicia Pough: 00:01:38

Of course. I have been looking forward to this conversation, so let's go ahead and just hop right in.

So I already mentioned I'm a toddler mom and when I'm dealing with my kids. So I have a almost 4 year old and a 16 month old, mainly with my older one.

A lot of times I have to remind myself that my kids are not adults and that I shouldn't be expecting them to behave like adults. When I was pregnant, I did a lot of research about kind of kids and toddler behavior and all that, but just in general.

Since you have worked as a toddler teacher for 10 years, based on your experience, what are some of the things that you think toddler moms should know just about toddler behavior and development in general?

Julanna Jones: 00:02:23

Well, I think first toddler moms, we need to give ourselves grace. I mean, parenting isn't easy and we have to kind of make that separation between our toddler's behaviors and our ability as parents.

You know, just because your toddler may be having tantrums or whining or, you know, just getting into their feelings, that doesn't mean that you're a bad parent. Or if they're asking out in public. I know that's a big issue for a lot of moms.

You know, we get embarrassed and we feel like, oh, maybe it's showing that we're not doing well. If that's not the case, these tantrums and behaviors are normal, and they're part of normal toddler development.

And we have to make that separation between their behaviors and our abilities because we are all doing great. We're trying the best that we can. And I think that a lot of information moms get.

We get so much information from social media and all these books, and we're just trying to piece it all together. And if it doesn't work, we feel like we're not doing a good job or that we're not implementing the information correctly.

And the thing is that toddlers are controlled by their emotions. They're expressing what they're feeling in the best ways that they know how.

And if they're hitting or if they're biting, that is how they get their needs across. You know, if they need something, if they're tired, if they're hungry, that is how they're going to express how they're feeling.

And it's our jobs as parents to just kind of step in, calmly, get curious, figure out why they're behaving this way, and then try to coach them and give them a different behavior to appropriately express that need and practice with them. They need repetition. They need us to work with them when we're playing.

That's a great time to teach those skills in a more relaxed setting instead of in the moment when we may be upset, they're dysregulated. That's not necessarily the time to teach the skills that we want to see.

It needs to be a part of our everyday practice and, you know, the part of the brain that controls impulse control and executive functioning skills. It doesn't even begin to develop until about age 4, and it's not fully developed to the late 20s. So all these.

Yeah, so all these, like, expectations we have and these skills that we want them to have, they. They don't have them. They don't have the, you know, capacity yet. They're just starting to learn how to implement these skills.

And like I said, through Repetition and practice at school, at daycare. I mean, at home and at daycare. They'll learn these skills over time. So it definitely does take some time. And we just need to be patient.

Phylicia Pough: 00:04:49

That's so good. I didn't realize that the age range was that big for when they're, you know, learning that executive function.

But you started talking about, like, they're hitting or they're throwing or they're biting. Right. And our reaction, you talk about reactive parity might be to kind of respond in a.

Maybe a harsh way or, you know, try to discipline them harshly to get them to, quote, unquote, behave. So you talk a lot about breaking that cycle of reactive parenting. And so can you give us.

You kind of already touched on it a little bit, but can you give us some more tangible examples of what reactive parenting really looks like and how do we begin to break that cycle? If you can go into that a little bit deeper.

Julanna Jones: 00:05:32

Yeah. So reactive parenting is just, you know, when.

When we're dysregulated and where we're triggered, we have a stress response, and we may yell, we may withdraw, we may give in to try to stop the behavior. Because our brain has basically gone into fight or flight mode, and it wants to stop whatever is threatening our safety and our comfortability.

So however you respond to triggering behaviors, that is what you'll do. So the point of breaking that cycle is trying to develop the skills to pause in that moment, let your brain know, I am safe, I don't need to react.

Because that response is good when you're in dangerous situations. Right. But your brain can't tell whether you're in a dangerous situation or when you're with your child. So it's your. Yeah.

It's your responsibility to have those skills to calm yourself down, send that signal to your brain, letting you know, I'm safe, my child is just having a moment, and I can calmly step in and protect them. And then that'll send a signal to your body to actually respond instead of reacting.

So I think that the first step is developing an awareness of your triggers and understanding what behaviors are triggering me the most. What times of the day am I most triggered?

And when you develop that awareness, then you're able to develop the tools to actually pause and regulate yourself before trying to help your child.

Phylicia Pough: 00:06:54

That is so good. So we have to become aware of our triggers, and then once we know what they are, then we should pause in the moment instead of just immediately.

Julanna Jones: 00:07:05

Yeah.

And I know that for me, you know, I was raised believing That I need to immediately react or else, you know, they will feel like they're getting away with the behavior and they'll continue it.

But that's not the case because when you immediately react, they're dysregulated, so they can't really take in what you're trying to yell at them about or what you're trying to teach them.

You need to calm them down first and then be able to teach that behavior or have a conversation with them later if they're an older toddler at 4 or 5, and they can process that with you and come up with problem solving skills that, you know, that will help them later on. But we don't need to react.

We can take that minute to pause, because when you pause, you have the clarity to actually respond to the moment and to their need. Not necessarily just stop the behavior, because stopping the behavior, it's stopping it in the moment, but they're going to continue it later.

Especially with toddlers, like two minutes later, they're doing the same thing again.

So, yes, I think, you know, it starts with us, and we need to be able to calm ourselves down first before we can actually help our children calm down and learn the behaviors we want them to learn.

Phylicia Pough: 00:08:09

Oh, that's so good. Such a mindset shift there.

Now, you started going into this a little bit about discipline growing up, but let's go back a little bit to when you first realized that there was a different way to discipline.

What made you move from, like, the traditional discipline that we might be accustomed to, you know, especially like in the African American community, to a more like, connected, grace filled approach? Like what ultimately led you to start the Toddler Mom Collective.

Julanna Jones: 00:08:40

So it was a combination of my knowledge and experience as a toddler teacher and having a master's in early childhood, and then also just my own upbringing and then doing some research, because I noticed that even though I had the skills to teach my toddler behaviors and calmly connect with her when she was having a tantrum or acting up, I was still reacting. I was still getting really triggered and giving in and yelling and losing my temper.

And then that's when I started to do the research and realized that it started with me. I needed to develop the skills to calm myself down first so that I can calmly respond to her.

And I think that a lot of moms have that disconnect where, you know, they get all the information, they get all the tools, and then they try to be calm for a minute and then they go right back to losing their temper because you know, you're tired, you're stressed, you're, you know, dealing with lack of sleep, you're. You may be at home with the toddler all day and you haven't had a chance to go out and do something for yourself or be around other adults.

So we kind of put our own needs on the back burner and take care of everyone else. And then when it's time to step in and be calm, we don't have the capacity to do that.

So the reason I founded the Tower Mom Collective was because I wanted to be able to bridge that gap between meeting your own needs and developing those emotional regulation techniques for yourself that you can implement every day so that you can access them when you are triggered. And then also providing the tools to discipline your toddler calmly while maintaining that connection and not using those fear based tactics.

Because traditional parenting practices are rooted in fear based tactics. You know, shame, spanking, yelling.

And when we do that consistently, that has a negative effect on children's emotional, social, and behavioral development. And you'll see that as they grow up. It also breaks the connection between the child and the parent.

And you'll start to see that as they grow up and they become teenagers. And, you know, you're wondering why, you know, there's a disconnect.

And I think that a lot of moms don't understand the effects of the parenting that they're doing in those first few years and how it just impacts their lives, their children's lives going forward. And the connection.

And that's my mission for Fertile and Mom Collective is to kind of bridge that gap and to also give moms the tools, use connection based discipline with their toddlers so that they can maintain that connection going forward as they grow up. Because that's really the most important thing is connection. Yeah.

Phylicia Pough: 00:11:15

And you said so many good things. Can we talk a little bit more about that negative effect that the fear based parenting has on the child?

If, you know you are parenting your child with this harsh discipline, the fear based tactics, how does that negatively affect them? Like, what does that really look like as they grow older?

Julanna Jones: 00:11:34

Yeah. So? Well, in the first seven years of a child's life, they're absorbing everything, right?

So the words that we say to them and the actions that we take, they start to equate that with their identity. So if we're telling them that they're bad or they're manipulating you or, you know, why are you acting this way? Why are you making these mistakes?

They're feeling like they're bad, they're feeling like they always mess up. Or if you're telling your child, you know, you're always so quiet, stop being so quiet. You need to be like your sister.

We're kind of internalizing those. Those things that are told to us and they are being. They're developing our self perception of ourselves.

So those words that we're hearing when we're children, they stay with us and they actually become like our inner voice as we grow up and they'll start to impact the decisions that we make.

So if you feel like you are too quiet, maybe you feel like, oh, I shouldn't go for that promotion, my job because I won't be able to fulfill the role because I can't speak up and be a leader or, you know, different things that you're hearing as a child, it will impact your, your belief in yourself as an adult. And also, you know, there's studies that constantly yelling at a child or spanking them, it influences their behaviors at school.

They struggle with focusing, they'll struggle with aggression.

It actually has an adverse effect where it's like you're hitting your child or you're yelling at your child to get them to stop doing these behaviors. But then they'll just continue and they'll do these behaviors to other people.

Children, when they go to school or to other people as they grow up and they haven't learned why they shouldn't do these behaviors, they're just repeating the cycle, basically. Yeah.

Phylicia Pough: 00:13:11

And I've definitely noticed that, like when I'm super overstimulated and I yell at my daughter, she would start like responding by yelling to me and I'm like, how does she even know how to do this? Of course it's because I'm yelling at her. So I definitely noticed that. I'm like, okay, I can't. It's a pimps.

I can't do that because she's just picking up on their behavior. You also mentioned something about helping moms like develop the skills to calm ourselves down. Right. So what does that actually look like?

I know, like maybe we can just go into a separate room or take deep breaths, like tangibly. What does that look like?

Julanna Jones: 00:13:50

So based on your stress response, you may have different needs for how you regulate your nervous system and how you calm yourself down. So maybe you need pressure. So grounding your feet into the ground, shaking your body, giving yourself a hug.

A lot of moms who have felt like they didn't get that connection and their love as a child, hugging themselves when they are triggered and Giving themselves that safety and that connection that they need will help them to calm down so that they can respond to their child.

So it's really about finding what techniques work for you and making them part of your daily routine, your daily habit, whenever you're feeling over a little overwhelmed or triggered. That way it's more accessible for you when you are with your top child and you want to calm yourself down to help them.

So, you know, a lot of people give deep breathing, you know, some slack, but it really does help.

Like, breathing in deeply gives, gives you the oxygen that you don't have when you are triggered because you stop breathing, you basically either stop breathing or, like, your breathing will get shallow. So taking in that deep breath will send that signal to your brain, your nervous system to calm down and bring in that oxygen that you need.

Phylicia Pough: 00:15:02

And I know you share a lot more of these things and you know, your work through the Toddler Mom Collective and also the Reset Challenge. I know you're right. Now, as we're recording, we're in the middle of the Reset Challenge.

So tell us kind of the heart behind that challenge, and if a mom were to go through it, what would they walk away with and what makes this different from like, the other parenting advice that we see online?

Julanna Jones: 00:15:27

Well, part of the reason that I started the Reset Challenge was because I posted a poll on threads and I asked what was a current top struggle that I know you're facing as a toddler mom? And most of the responses were, you know, managing my anger.

And I thought, you know, that is so important because like I said, we're given the tools to help the children, but we're not really, you know, learning how to calm ourselves down and manage our own anger. And so I create the Reset Challenge, which is my method for pausing and calming yourself down in the moment before responding to your child.

It's a five day challenge. We go through each step of the method.

So first is recognizing your triggers and noticing when you get upset, why you get upset, what your triggers are, and your stress response, because awareness is the first step.

So when you're able to understand why you're triggered and when you get triggered, then you're able to manage your triggers and develop that clarity that you need to respond. So the second step is E for ease. And I walk the mom through different emotional regulation techniques that they can use to help them calm down.

And like I said, there's different ones, there's so many different ones, but it's really about finding what works for you. And that's part of just maintaining your own emotional well being and taking that time for yourself.

Like why not just see if like taking a 20 minute walk is what you need or deep breathing, you know, that's just another reason to just work on yourself.

Phylicia Pough: 00:16:56

Right.

Julanna Jones: 00:16:56

And that's what we want. We don't want to always put ourselves in the back burner.

And the next step is s for a shift, shifting your perspective around your toddler's behavior, thinking that they're ought to always bad or manipulative. Our thoughts impact our feelings which impact our actions.

So if you think your toddler's bad, you think they don't listen, you're going to react in a harsh way to kind of deal with what you're feeling, you're thinking. So when we shift our thoughts to, you know, my toddler's having a hard time and they're having trouble managing their emotions.

I can step in and help them or I can't control my toddler's actions. You can't control anyone's ashes as much as we may want to try, but I can't control my reactions. So how can I help them in this moment?

How can I respond calmly? So just making that mental shift is really important before you can even implement the tools that you may have.

And then the next step is evaluating the underlying dignity or root cause of behavior. So every behavior is motivated by a root need. So either a child may be hungry.

Maybe you guys are running errands and you missed lunchtime and they're getting upset and you're trying to figure out why. Well, that's why. Because they haven't had lunch, they're hungry. Maybe a child took their toy and they're hitting them.

Well, they don't know how to express that, you know, the child took their toy and they don't like it. So just really observing what's happening in the moment.

What happened right before they displayed this behavior to help you understand why they're displaying the behavior so that you can meet the need and not necessarily just stop the behavior. And then the next step is T, which is teaching with connection. Like I said, just stopping behavior, saying, no, don't do that.

That's not helping them learn why they shouldn't do it or what they can do instead. And this toddler stage is all about action and showing them what they can do.

So we want to step in and show them how to ask for something or how to tell another person, no, I didn't like it.

And even if your toddler can't speak yet, you know, you can use sign language, you can use pointing, you can have them shake their head, you can sign for more. Like, there's different ways to teach our children to express their needs depending on the level that they're at.

And I think this challenge is important because like I said, we need to work on ourselves. That's the first step before we can help our children. And a lot of moms just, you know, we get so busy with the day to day that we often forget that.

So I'm like trying to get as many moms to understand, like, let's work on ourselves first. Learn our own emotion regulation techniques and what our needs are and meet our needs before we can really help our children. That's so good.

Phylicia Pough: 00:19:26

And I love, you know, me being a systems person, just how structured the framework is and everything. And it really just kind of takes you through this journey. And you're right, like, we really have to focus on ourselves.

And I know even myself sometimes it's like, even today I needed to take a nap and eat because I was just all over the place. But I need, like, once I did that, it's like, okay, I feel better, I can respond to my kids better. And so we do have to take care of ourselves first.

But just like you said, having the kids is like, for me, once they're up, it's like we're on go and we just kind of are going through the day and we forget about ourselves. But we really need to start to prioritize ourselves so we can show up as our best selves for them and, you know, every other area of our lives.

So I'm curious though, what has this done for you in your own parenting journey? Like, just this new type of discipline, connecting with your child through like, grace and calm.

What has that done for your, your parenting and for your relationship with you and your kid?

Julanna Jones: 00:20:29

I think it's really, it helps me prioritize our connection.

I think that when you do prioritize your connection and you really spend time getting to know your child, understanding their triggers, understanding their needs, there, that helps you respond to them in a better way so that you don't yell, you know what to do when they need, when they cry, you know what the cry means, or, or they're whining, you know what they need. And I think that having daily playtime with my kids, it's really helps me be a more fun parent and really enjoy that connection.

I, I have to say, like, I wasn't in the beginning. I wasn't necessarily the Fun mom who wanted to play with their kid all day, but they need that. Like we need to get into their world.

And not all day, of course, but every few minutes every day, you know, give them that connection because when their cups are filled, they're less likely to become dysregulated and have those tantrums. So that really made me like just really prioritize bonding time with them and connecting with them and I feel better about myself.

Parenting in a way that I know supports their development and will help them as they grow older and they develop the self perception and other relationships. They'll know how to manage their emotions, they'll know how to express what they need and be their fathers.

And it can be easy to kind of fall into that trap of just yelling because it's quick, like, stop, get down, like, you know, but it's, it's a long game, but it's important because it's, it has long term effects that are so, you know, important to their well being and their development. So it's really made me a better person, honestly. And I just, I feel like more connected with my kids.

Phylicia Pough: 00:22:05

It's always good to hear like positive reinforcements and just seeing that.

Okay, like you mentioned, it's a long journey and for somebody who kind of might be like at the beginning or in the middle of it and it still feels very stressful just knowing that there's like hope for the situation is always good. You mentioned, you know, feeling good at the end of the day. Right.

So I know a lot of times at the end of my day I'm like, oh goodness, I do not feel good about how I reacted to my kids today.

And so for that mom who might end her day feeling guilty or ashamed of how she responded, what's the one thing that you would encourage her with right now?

Julanna Jones: 00:22:46

Give yourself grace. Like I said before, I mean, parenting isn't easy. We're not, this is the one job that we're not trained for.

So you kind of are learning on the job, which is why, like the parenting coaches and the educators are so important, because we give that extra set of support in hand. But yeah, give yourself grace. Every moment isn't perfect. My life with my kids isn't perfect.

I still, you know, lose my temper once in a while because we're humans. It happens. But when that does happen, at least you know, you can repair, you can let your child know, I'm sorry I yelled.

Mommy's working on her temper. I'll do better next time. And though you're modeling accountability to them.

So, you know, you want them to see the reality and see how, you know, people are and that we do lose their temper, but own up to it and be accountable and then just have some more moments of connection and give them a hug and they'll move on. Because kids are forgiving, luckily. So, you know, you'll be fine.

Don't shame yourself or feel guilty for how you've acted, because that just perpetuates the cycle of shame, frustration, and overwhelm, and we want to break that cycle. So have grace and apologize and move on.

Phylicia Pough: 00:23:52

That's so good. So, so good.

Um, now, we already kind of talked about, you know, how you use your reset framework, but are there any other systems that you use in your life that really help you to stay grounded and present in motherhood, or do you mainly kind of focus on, you know, prioritizing yourself and getting yourself regulated before you respond to your kids?

Julanna Jones: 00:24:15

Well, I pray a lot. I love prayer, talking to God, I read Bible stories to my kids. And, you know, we incorporate God into our lives.

That's, you know, the four most important thing for us. And also having a routine, you know, it's not. It's not strict, like, you know, Kyler's still home, she's not in school yet.

So we'll have those mornings where we'll sleep in, but we'll still have like breakfast together or we'll go out and play for a while before lunch.

So having that routine so that you can make it predictable for them, which also aids in decreasing dysregulation because they know what's coming and incorporating them into that day.

And then having independent play is so important, like time, where a toddler has time for themselves to and have fun while you have your time to yourself and doing whatever you need to, whether it's just resting or getting an errand, you know, laundry or something, that's perfect, like independent play safety, because, like, we need those moments throughout the day. That's how we aid in our well being.

Phylicia Pough: 00:25:16

My toddler is independently playing right now, so I'm able to record this podcast episode, get some things done. But this was really, really good.

Very insightful, and I'm sure any mom who's a toddler mom listening Defin took some things away that we can implement. You guys, if you need more support, definitely get into the reset challenge.

So all of the information will be linked in the show notes and description, but let us know if you have anything else coming up and how people can connect with.

Julanna Jones: 00:25:48

So I'll be running the reset challenge again.

So if you're interested, you can sign up for the wait list and you can reach me on Instagram or threads@tylermomcollective or my website, thetylermomcollective.com.

Phylicia Pough: 00:26:04

Awesome. So all of that will be linked in the show Notes. Get connected, Tyler. Moms, get connected. I'm telling y', all, her content is so good.

Every day I read the content, I'm like, yes, I need this. I need this in my life. So get connected. It will benefit you greatly. Jalayna, thanks so much for coming on.

Thank you guys for listening and we'll see you in the next episode. Hey, friend.

Phylicia Pough: 00:26:26

I'm so glad you tuned in today. Before you go, will you take a moment to leave a review?

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